How to Actually Change Someone’s Mind: Ask Them This Question

Want to actually change the mind of someone you disagree with? Stanford psychologists say you should start by asking this question.

Photo by Maxime Gilbert on Unsplash

Polarization in America has made family dinners a land mine, torn apart communities, and made enduring election season roughly equivalent to a series of root canals. Now, with battles over diversity, equity, and inclusion policy and Trump’s on again-off agin trade wars, the fact that no one can agree on anything is making it much harder to turn a profit, too.

Is there anything people can do to start to restore some sanity and have actually productive conversations with people you disagree with?

Yup, answer psychologists. Their advice isn’t always easy to put into practice in the heat of the moment. But remembering one simple question is the first step on the road to less yelling and more fruitful problem solving.

How to change someone’s mind: Forget facts

The first step toward actually listening to each other and finding some common ground sounds unlikely. But hear me out. You need to forget about facts (for the purposes of initially engaging those you disagree with anyway). As tempting as it feels when you think you have reality on your side, reciting a list of studies and statistics is incredibly unlikely to change anyone’s mind.

That doesn’t mean having a firm grasp on reality isn’t important in the longer run. It just means that psychology shows beating people over the head with evidence that they’re wrong just makes them more likely to defensively insist they’re right.

Science writer Elizabeth Kolbert wrote an excellent, in-depth article about why this is exactly for The New Yorker. But here’s the bottom line: People generally put their affiliation with their group and their sense of themselves as competent and good ahead of rationality. No one (or close to no one) wants to feel out of step with those around them or like they’ve been a fool. If facts point toward those conclusions, they generally just ignore those facts.

As behavioral scientist Gleb Tsipursky has warned, “Research on a phenomenon called the backfire effect shows we tend to dig in our heels when we are presented with facts that cause us to feel bad about our identity, self-worth, worldview, or group belonging.”

Yelling doesn’t work either

What’s the way around this natural, if problematic, human tendency (which, I should add, applies to people across the political spectrum)? Just saying the facts louder or over and over again is not a solution.

It might make you feel righteous or like you’re doing something positive for the world. But evidence suggests smugness and stridency will almost certainly backfire.

One recent study, for instance, found that yelling at people online about their beliefs not only hardened their opinions but even made other bystanders more sympathetic to whatever the person had said in the first place.

The magic question for open-mindedness

Shouting and statistics cause the other party to suspect that you are just trying to burnish your own self-image rather than engage in genuine dialogue. No wonder they aren’t keen to engage in the openness and vulnerability required to actually change their mind.

The solution, according to science writer David Robson, author of the 2024 book The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network, is to convince people of your good intentions for the conversation. In a recent BBC article, he offers one suggestion of how to do that, backed by Stanford University research.

For the study cited by Robson, a team from Stanford invited students to debate the merits of a new set of exams the university was introducing. Participants thought they were debating fellow students online, but in reality they were chatting with researchers who were testing the effect of specific language on people’s willingness to hear new evidence.

The researchers found one magic question made participants much more willing to consider changing their minds: “I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?”

“The addition of the single question changed the whole tone of the debate by provoking a considerably more open-minded response from the participants,” writes Robson, who notes that other studies have come to the same conclusion.

One question won’t change minds, but it’s a good start

Is this single question alone enough to turn someone from a MAGA die-hard into an Antifa agitator? Clearly not.

Thankfully, most people aren’t as extreme in their views as others fear. It’s only that the loudest people are also generally the most unruly.

In his article and book, Robson also offers much more advice on how to continue discussions productively once this question has given you a foothold in the conversation. I’ve shared plenty of advice along these lines on Inc., too.

But you can’t change someone’s mind if you don’t first convince them you are open to questioning your own views and will treat them with respect. If you fall at this first hurdle, your chances of having a productive conversation are very low indeed.

Next time you find yourself in a situation where a disagreement could turn toxic or just get swept under the rug, consider asking the other person: “I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?”

You just might manage to change a mind … and nudge the country just a little ways back toward sanity.

A version of this post originally appeared on Inc.com. Books and authors mentioned have affiliate links, meaning I receive a small commission if you click and go on to buy them.